my life, the mess.

I have been up since 7am. In that time I COULD have been productive but instead I watched The Wrestler, had tea and oatmeal, looked at my old videos of my trip in January, all the while intermittently crying. so I am now in the midst of cleaning my room, which as always is a visual culmination of my inner turmoil and chaos. why can't cleaning my room be just that? why does it end up being a guttering of my soul into trashbags, dust cloths, hangers and the appropriate newly organized drawer? it's like a reset. not an improvement, not a plus. it's a return to zero. speaking of returning to zero I am single once again. don't feign shock, y'all new it had to come, it always does. but I am feeling really old after this last go round. was at a party last night, my friend had a camera setup along with his laptop so you could see the pic just after you took it. I didn't recognize myself. I look miserable, haggard, worn out in these shots, but all night people kept on telling me how great I look. Wait, is that what people do when you feel like shit on the inside, they over-compliment your outside? because I didn't FEEL great, and those pics told that truth. I wake up wanting to feel better, but all I feel is unaccomplished, lazy, tired, and sad. And I know I am healthy, but I feel sick inside. Not a snotty nosed, tummy-ache, swine-flu sick. A sickly feeling in my soul. My heart hurts, thus my body hurts, my brain is tired, therefore I am tired. and right now I am procrastinating finishing my cleaning. I feel I make a mess of things, let them pile up inside so very high, and right now my inner voice is screaming JENGA! on my ass. It's all crumbling, and at the worst of times. But then again, when is a good crumble time? I will get through this, I know, it just sucks being IN it.